Well, it has been a very quick 2009 and in just a few days time its going to be another 'new' year. I just felt a bit down today because as I look back at the days of 2009 that has gone by, it has been an eventful year.
My dad was very sick twice, thought he won't make it but he did, praise God. My mum came down with a very bad case of flu and fever and because of the H1N1 pandemic, it was really a scary episode but thank God, He preserved her life. There were other deep family concerns that actually got to me quite badly because I was so far away from family. Had sleepless nights because of that. Then I started to develop a case of mild insomnia that really ate at my energies, making me a little bit depressed as the days went by. However, the stress of work has become more bearable and the joy of ministry kept me floating.
Then, my heart got broken the second time around after almost two years of a 'relationship' and well, it still hurts as ever. Sometimes I wonder is it worth hoping and praying to find someone with whom to share one's love and life with in a life time commitment of a marriage relationship. Sometimes in my 'angst' I asked God is it so hard for Him to provide for me a life partner and then in my sane mind I apologise and acknowledge that I have no right to question Him because if I trusted Him as Master of my life, I would submit to His Majesty and even as I embraced Him as my heavenly Father then I would let myself rest in the cleft of His everlasting arms knowing and believing that He knows what's best.
Then something Mother Teresa said that I found today had a profound effect on me. She said...I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love...I think she said this with great conviction because her entire life was spent in loving all those that society calls unlovable. The diseased, the dying, the rejected, the despised, the unwanted...she became Christ to each one as she took care of them and help them to die as dignified human beings, created Imago Dei.
My own pettiness seems smaller now as I think more about it. What is life after all? I am not like the pampered and privileged princess in a make believe world of utter utopia. That my every wishes and whims and fancies must come through just because I want it. And God is not like a genie in a bottle that lives to serve my every fancies at my command.
No, I am another kind of 'princess'(actually I recoil at the thoughts of being called a princess within today's understanding of course), a diamond in the rough being perfected for the King's pleasure. Last weekend I was doing a seminar with 20 impressionable young people and was trying to help them grasped how we are actually called to live life in a whole kind of way as opposed to a fragmented kind of living. As I think afresh about what it means to live the crucified life I think I have failed to live that several times during the course of this year. Being so caught up in the doing that I forgot what matters most-the One who has called me to Himself in a LOVE relationship and out of that LOVE flows His LIFE from this vessel to others.
Maybe, its tiring to think of living for the sake of others and to think of myself last. But the reality is I am called to live for His purposes then everything will fall into their places...seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these shall be added unto thee...its true according to His will. Yes, it is a paradox perhaps to love until it hurts, until there can be no more hurt but only more love. After all that's what God is doing from the beginning of time until that Love was bruised and brutally nailed to the cross and even with His dying breath that Love personified said Father forgive them for they know not what they do...and even today Love is still loving, forgiving, accepting...how awesome is the grace of God.
This is more than just words, it has to be encountered and experienced daily. It is a paradox but a good paradox nonetheless.
No comments:
Post a Comment