Thoughts on 2010...

Once again a year has gone by, 365 days and as usual the world ushered in another new year today. Another 365 days. I always wonder after all the fireworks, the street celebrations and whatever kind of festivities that we do to mark the occasion will that really make any difference in how we choose to live our lives the next 364 days? Am always amazed at the goodness and faithfulness of this Creator God as I enter a new year. He had given us life and yet many of us refuse to acknowledge His existence and even many more choose to deny him his rightful place in our hearts. Here I am at 5am after the all the fireworks thinking about what someone said thousands of years ago when he made space for his Creator God and meditated on the wonders of who He is and how that gave him an understanding, a framework for a meaningful existence...

God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can't take it all in!

Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I go underground, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings
to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute—
you're already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!
I couldn't even begin to count them—
any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
And you murderers—out of here!—
all the men and women who belittle you, God,
infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, God,
see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
Your enemies are my enemies!

Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.

Just musing and reflecting...

Well, it has been a very quick 2009 and in just a few days time its going to be another 'new' year. I just felt a bit down today because as I look back at the days of 2009 that has gone by, it has been an eventful year.

My dad was very sick twice, thought he won't make it but he did, praise God. My mum came down with a very bad case of flu and fever and because of the H1N1 pandemic, it was really a scary episode but thank God, He preserved her life. There were other deep family concerns that actually got to me quite badly because I was so far away from family. Had sleepless nights because of that. Then I started to develop a case of mild insomnia that really ate at my energies, making me a little bit depressed as the days went by. However, the stress of work has become more bearable and the joy of ministry kept me floating.

Then, my heart got broken the second time around after almost two years of a 'relationship' and well, it still hurts as ever. Sometimes I wonder is it worth hoping and praying to find someone with whom to share one's love and life with in a life time commitment of a marriage relationship. Sometimes in my 'angst' I asked God is it so hard for Him to provide for me a life partner and then in my sane mind I apologise and acknowledge that I have no right to question Him because if I trusted Him as Master of my life, I would submit to His Majesty and even as I embraced Him as my heavenly Father then I would let myself rest in the cleft of His everlasting arms knowing and believing that He knows what's best.

Then something Mother Teresa said that I found today had a profound effect on me. She said...I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love...I think she said this with great conviction because her entire life was spent in loving all those that society calls unlovable. The diseased, the dying, the rejected, the despised, the unwanted...she became Christ to each one as she took care of them and help them to die as dignified human beings, created Imago Dei.

My own pettiness seems smaller now as I think more about it. What is life after all? I am not like the pampered and privileged princess in a make believe world of utter utopia. That my every wishes and whims and fancies must come through just because I want it. And God is not like a genie in a bottle that lives to serve my every fancies at my command.

No, I am another kind of 'princess'(actually I recoil at the thoughts of being called a princess within today's understanding of course), a diamond in the rough being perfected for the King's pleasure. Last weekend I was doing a seminar with 20 impressionable young people and was trying to help them grasped how we are actually called to live life in a whole kind of way as opposed to a fragmented kind of living. As I think afresh about what it means to live the crucified life I think I have failed to live that several times during the course of this year. Being so caught up in the doing that I forgot what matters most-the One who has called me to Himself in a LOVE relationship and out of that LOVE flows His LIFE from this vessel to others.

Maybe, its tiring to think of living for the sake of others and to think of myself last. But the reality is I am called to live for His purposes then everything will fall into their places...seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these shall be added unto thee...its true according to His will. Yes, it is a paradox perhaps to love until it hurts, until there can be no more hurt but only more love. After all that's what God is doing from the beginning of time until that Love was bruised and brutally nailed to the cross and even with His dying breath that Love personified said Father forgive them for they know not what they do...and even today Love is still loving, forgiving, accepting...how awesome is the grace of God.

This is more than just words, it has to be encountered and experienced daily. It is a paradox but a good paradox nonetheless.

What a Friend I have in Jesus!

I got a shock yesterday (29/1/09) when I called home as usual just to check on my parents when my brother answered the phone in tears. I couldn't talk much with him because he had to attend to my dad who was not well. I started to get worried and bursted into tears as I imagined the worst. This is the second time in the span of ten years since I left my family and hometown to follow God's leading that my Dad fell terribly ill to the point of almost losing him. The first time was back in 2001 when he came down with pneumonia and was hospitalized twice before he was fully restored. That time I was able to fly back the next day to be by his side with the rest of the family. So as I waited anxiously for them to let me know the situation I smsed a couple of friends and colleagues to stand with me in prayer because I felt utterly helpless! As the hours went by my sister and brother called me to fill me in on what was happening. My dad went into a fit as a result of hypoglycemia- dangerously low blood sugar level at barely just 2% which if my family didn't make it to the hospital in time might have caused him to go into shock and possibly a coma. They brought him to a private hospital where they gave him initial treatment of pushing up his sugar level then he was sent to the General Hospital for further treatment at the intensive emergency unit until 5 in the morning before the hospital released him after being satisfied with his overall condition. All these happened while I'm thousands of miles away from home feeling helpless and only able to pray, cry and hope for God's goodness to comfort my dad and my alarmed family. One friend replied my sms saying how hard it must be for me because I'm so far from them-which was exactly how I felt. And on top of that I was all alone and felt so alone. Others replied with the same kindness and comforting words and prayers. That calmed me and reminded me truly what a FRIEND I have in Jesus and because of that I'm never on my own. I couldn't sleep even after 1 am and every now and then I would cry as emotions overwhelmed me. But I was exhausted that I finally fell asleep and woke up at about 5 something when I got an sms from my brother that they have reached home and my dad was getting better. I called my mother again at lunch time just to find out how things were. She said that Dad was getting much stronger and I told her to tell my Dad to take care of himself by eating regular to regulate his blood sugar level. He had not been eating well the last couple of months and back then was already showing the symptoms of hypoglycemia and I think this was the last straw. I think I understand why he is in that state - probably they are going through the emotional turmoil of the empty nest syndrome. When we all of us the children are at home he seemed to enjoy the family meals but when they are on their own they don't eat properly and at times skip their meals. Lord, please be my parents best Friend even as they deal with a lot of emotional challenges that they are struggling with as they grow older and becoming more and more on their own. Moments like these makes me cherish my parents more and wish that I can be there near them yet I know I have been called to follow in the Master's footstep to where He is leading me to fulfill His purposes. Am grateful that my parents have come to terms with this and has actually given me their blessings to pursue God's calling. Am glad that I can still care for them even from a distance. Anyway, I'm still recovering from the strong feelings I had yesterday and hope that God's presence will continue to sustain them. I'm assured, Lord that as you have called me out You will be there for my loved ones...in that I will rest my heart and mind and continue my pursuit of Your calling.